MAD: Golden Ninja Warrior 

(1986 IFD Films/Watched on DVD)

This one is going to be very short.

Golden Ninja Warrior, another from the same stable as Ninja Terminator and Ninja Dragon, it even features the same knackered plastic car park set of the latter. If it’s worthy of placement at a finale once it’s worthy of being there twice… unless it wasn’t worthy either time.

Same deal again. Same terrible music, world’s worst editing, facepalm-inducing acting, even sillier dubbing, blending inappropriate cockney accents with what sounds like the voices of rats that can speak. Any actual martial arts are too sloppily cut between shots to give you any idea of pace or clear movement. There are plenty of complaints about Bourne and Taken style action edits blurring the frame to obscure imprecise movements, but this kind of film makes it clear the problem has *always* been there.

And the big change is that this time it’s a woman.

To frame her adventure the whole film is about sex trafficking, it’s riven with sexual assault and degradation of women, including the heroine herself being raped in a bedroom by a fat, drooling old pervert of a crime lord for a really gruelling amount of time, while the burbling music suggests it is not intended to be nearly as dark a moment as you are taking it.

It’s still ridiculous, but it stands as testament to the kind of lazy, shitty story men write about women because they don’t know anything else about the female experience, and make it clear each time that they are frankly dangerously unqualified to handle this subject.

Ninja Terminator is a hilarious, party-friendly experience. Ninja Dragon is a lot more forgettable. Golden Ninja Warrior is vile. Avoid it like a moon-faced white male who uses words like “cuck” and “snowflake”.

Author: Alex Shaw

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